Love your enemies

There are some people, who, no matter what you do, will always dislike you.

This is a sobering thought, especially if you are brought up to ‘be nice’; when you try as much as possible, everyday, to do the right thing by people.

These people dislike you for reasons beyond you. They dislike you because of what you represent, because of what you are trying to do, or because of what they think you have. It is the interaction between you and them that matter; ironically, it isn’t really about you.

When they speak and do these things to you publicly, others see their mean streak, but they do not see it themselves. They are impervious to their faults; self-righteous in their judgment of you.

They don’t see the turmoil you go through, the stress and strain. They don’t see that you struggle, or support what you are trying to accomplish. They want what you have, and until they get it, will always be unhappy. They are like children who say, “give it to me”, and when you reply, “I will give it to you tomorrow”, say unreasonably, “I want it now”.

These people give you sleepless nights. Their actions trouble your mind; their words, harshly spoken, makes you anxious. They wait for you to slip-up, and when you do, widen the hole, amplifying your mistakes with snide remarks.

After awhile their voices, their criticisms, become a part of you. They resound in your head, when you are afraid, taunting you. They become specters that haunt you. When you lose confidence, a shriveled part of you says, ‘perhaps they were right after all’.

They will always have power over you, until you do one thing – bless them.

Jesus said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39). This is a teaching hard to swallow for his followers. My Christian friends have said, ‘maybe He meant that we turn the other cheek to make it physically impossible for them to hit us again, or if they do, must use the back of their hand which is less painful.’ They wonder why Christ would tell them to take abuse. How can He instruct us to be subject to others?

Jesus continued, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:43-45).

There is a deeper wisdom in Jesus’ words that we find hard to swallow. It is a wisdom that sees that if we don’t try to love our enemies, if we don’t bless them, pray for them, we begin to get bitter, we begin to want their destruction. If we don’t respond in love, we get caught up in hate.

It isn’t easy to respond in this way. It takes exceptional grace; it takes self-control; it takes dying to self (and oh boy, how you feel like dying).

But, strangely, it is a path to peace and freedom.

They lose their power over you; and over time, that struggle to respond in the opposite spirit becomes less difficult. Over time, you begin to genuinely care for them, you start to see who they are, recognizing theirs desires, ambitions and insecurities.

You realize that they, like you, are human after all.

And you remember that we are all in need of healing; we are all in need of grace.

A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

New Beginnings

I like the beginning of a year, because of the momentary pause it brings into the rhythm of our lives. It is like we exhaled completely at the end of the year, and are pausing, waiting to inhale fully the length and breadth of the coming New Year.

It is a time of review, when we take stock of where we have come. It is a time of promise, when we tell ourselves to learn from recent mistakes. It is a time of making resolutions, where we tell ourselves to become better people.

Some people have stopped making New Year resolutions, cynical of the way they have consistently broken their own over the years. But I think this is an exercise worth doing, even if all we achieve is to record the existence of the idealists in ourselves who is aware of our failings and our desire to become better people.

So these are my aspirations for the coming year:

I would like to be more thankful and grateful for all that is in my life – I would like to wake up and go to sleep giving thanks.
I would like to be kinder to myself and others – I would like to be faster at excusing mistakes and quicker to forgive; I would like to stop expecting constant perfection.
I would like to cease grumbling and complaining – I would like to shut up faster and get on with it more quickly.
I would like to allow myself rest, relaxation, and pleasure in life, and respect this need in others – I would like to set limits on my work.
I would like to be more encouraging to myself and others – to be freer with genuine compliments, and to give criticism sparingly and only constructively.
I would like to take better care of my thoughts and words, knowing that they can bring pleasure or harm to others.
I would like to develop greater faith and trust in God, in people, and in myself – I would like to be more generous and to believe more.
I would like to remind myself that we need to take risks in life if we expect to achieve anything at all, and to remind myself that it is fine to fail.
I would like to stop thinking so much about myself and start thinking more about other people.
I would like to conquer my inbox, stay on top of the news, and make better use of facebook.
I would like to be better at managing time.
I would like to spend more time with friends and family.

And finally, when I reach the end of 2010, I would like to look back and see that I did not waste too much time worrying, but instead, spent my time joyful in spite of circumstances, hopeful of a brighter future, and strengthened with greater maturity of spirit.

Wedding Tips – Getting Married in Kuala Lumpur

I have been meaning to write about my wedding for the last five months, but never got the chance. Martin and I got married on 25 July 2009, and we really enjoyed ourselves!

Writing about my personal experience of the wedding isn’t easy. It is at once simple to describe – I was happy, at peace, and enjoyed the company of friends and family with my husband at my side – but it was also a symbolic day, a day of deep meaning, and therefore difficult to describe. To do justice requires meditation, thoughtful prose or elegant poetry!

So, I will do a simpler task – I will write some tips for brides to be, showcasing the work of great service providers who delivered excellent services at our wedding.

The Best Wedding Photographer: Andy Lim

My sister told me that choosing the right photographer was important because he/she would create a permanent record of the day. She was right. When I think of my wedding now, the images in my mind are the ones taken by my photographers. Their pictures have become the anchors of my memories.

We really liked the work of Jim Liaw, who photographed my sister’s wedding 1.5 years before ours. His work is absolutely stunning. But my mother suggested that we go with a different photographer to give a different feel to the photos. She didn’t want my wedding to blend in with my sister’s in one slow motion.

In searching for ‘The One’, we looked through the portfolios of many photographers to see their style; to get a sense of their ‘eye’. We wanted someone who used a journalistic approach, someone who took photos as things happened, rather than requiring us to pose. We were particularly impressed by Andy Lim’s work, because he captured fleeting emotions extraordinarily well.

He was one of the best decisions we made.

At the wedding he and his wife (they work as a team) were punctual, quiet, and unobtrusive. They dressed well, so they didn’t look at odds with the rest of the guests. They remained in the background, but were very attentive to any signals by us for special photographs. They were professional, timely, courteous and polite. Their photos were amazing.

They captured both intimate and public moments. They got all the important shots, and had a great eye for detail. They documented what we didn’t have time to pay attention to – the flowers on the car, the arrangement on my hair, the look of the banquet hall before dinner commenced.

What I like about Andy is that he takes his work seriously, and really enjoys good photography. He gave us our photos within two weeks, beautifully presented in a set of DVDs. He proudly showed us what he thought were the best photos of the 1,383 that he gave to us. All of them were breathtaking! His work speaks for itself. The full set of photos are here.

The Best Wedding Card Makers: Precious Hearts

We didn’t like the standard wedding cards we saw. We wanted something elegant, unique and understated. We wanted something that represented the story of how we met. We stumbled across Precious Hearts on one of the Malaysian bridal websites, and liked their work.

It was difficult to find the location of the office, but we were given a warm welcome by May Yi. We started with very loose ideas; we didn’t have a clear sense of what we wanted. She was very patient with us, and talked us through some design implications. She talked about cut, colour, dimension, texture, print, fold, and assembly of different pieces. She was really good at helping us narrow down our key message. We realized that it was better to choose simple symbols and colours rather than have ‘too much’ going on.

We were very pleased with the first proofs we got. We scrutinized them and ask for several changes, which were done very promptly. She was attentive to our needs. We were trying to save money, and May Yi did a great job of advising us on how we could reduce the price while keeping the aesthetic value of the cards. We were so happy with her that we also ordered Thank You cards after the wedding based on the same theme.

The Best Make Up Artist: Lee Kuen

Lee Kuen has a talent for accentuating your features. All her brides look like polished versions of themselves – they don’t look like copies of an imaginary doll-like template. She uses very natural colours for the day and checks how comfortable you are with more dramatic looks for the evening.

Aside from her talent in bringing out beauty in others, the most remarkable thing about Lee Kuen is her calm manner, even when under pressure. The last thing any bride wants on the morning of her wedding is an anxious person. Lee Kuen kept track of the time, and sped up when the time of my husband’s arrival drew near. We had time for photos before he came up the stairs to get me.

Lee Kuen is also really great with hair. I wanted green orchids that matched my bouquet, and she clipped them firmly in my hair along with some flowers of her own. In the evening, she put my hair up, using classic accessories. We are now facebook friends.

The Best Dress Maker: Elaine Kong of Pretty in White

I was similarly clueless about the ‘look’ I wanted for the evening gown. I only knew I wanted a cheong sam, but had no idea about colour, cut, or design. Elaine was very patient in talking me through different options. She always emphasizes that we should not change the shape of our bodies, or force our figures into tight corsets. She believes in designing clothes that bring out the best features of her clients.

Elaine came with me to choose the right cloth for my cheong sam. We experimented with different types of lace and satin. Its funny how I was drawn to the same combination again and again, even when I tried different alternatives to see if any other cloths fit well together. That is how I knew we had made the right choice.

Elaine created a simple and classic design, adding sequins and beads to bring glamour to the evening. I wanted to have the best dress in the banquet hall, but not look garish. She pulled it off! She ended up making several dresses for my mom as well. I was very happy that she was a guest at my wedding.

The Best Suit Maker: Sophie of Lord’s Tailor, Bangsar

Sophie showed us different alternatives for suits, helping us to choose the cut that would complement Martin’s body. We wanted something simple and classic. Sophie showed us different types of cloth and styles for suits. We decided on a simple charcoal suit with a cravat and a waistcoat.

We wanted the cravat to match my dress, and this was much harder than we thought! We brought snippets of the cloth for my dress to her. Sophie told me that they had to go out shopping twice to get the cloth that matched the blue-green light turquoise of my cheong sam exactly. It was a rare colour, difficult to find. She had an eye for detail and went the extra mile to create the cravat that would match my dress perfectly.

For her extra efforts in putting the finishing touches to the suit, we are extremely happy with Lord’s Tailor and highly recommend their work. You can see the perfectly matching colours of the cheong sam and cravat here.

Others… The Best Rings, Flowers, Hotel and Wedding Singer…

This article is getting a little long already, but we must make special mention of Goldheart in Lot 10. We went to so many different ring shops before finding what we wanted – two simple, unadorned white gold bands. I can’t remember the name of the sales person (David?), but he really was the best one we met – and we went to many stores! He was not pushy; he was attentive and gentle. He cleaned and resized my engagement ring for free, and got the jewelers to create a perfect match for it in terms of size and shape. I wear and admire both my rings every day.

We also had great service from Spring Cottage. We wanted to have tropical flowers, and they advised us on what we could do with different types of orchids. Their flowers were fresh and luscious and their designs elegant.

We must definitely mention Natalie Cheah of The Prince Hotel, who was great at helping us choose the right package for our dinner banquet. She made clear recommendations, which helped us out of the mire of indecision. She was prompt, professional, and gave us excellent advice. The Prince Hotel gave us a very good deal, and we did indeed feel like the King and the Queen of the day in their care.

Our wedding banquet would not have been the same without our charming wedding singer, Greg Ling, a lawyer by day and performer extraordinaire by night. He performed with the Thin Izzy Band, led by the talented Izral. You can see them perform here. We grew up together, and Greg is like a brother to me, which made it all the more special to have him sing for us.

If we did our wedding again, we would do everything exactly the same. ☺

Pleasures in Life

A bit of butter on warm, almost hot, toast
Writing with a smooth fountain pen on quality paper
Crisp cool cotton sheets as you awake
The comfort of a morning hug
Standing still, as the world turns crazy with activity
Being alone, at peace, slowly remembering who you are

The Practice of Pioneering

I have often said to my close friends, that I don’t like doing things that fall short of excellence. Thus I check, double check, reconsider, redraft, rewrite before doing or releasing anything. I think and think again, of what to say, how to say it, and how to do things to a high level of competence. I strive to exceed expectations, not just meet them. And this – this anal nature – doesn’t sit well with the practice of pioneering.

We are often unprepared for what needs to be done, and this makes us uneasy. It gives a knot in our stomach. We are called to do and be what we are not ready for by events outside of our control. Rarely do we achieve excellence – in fact, never do we achieve it all the time. Occasionally, we are privileged enough to sail through events, operating ‘in the zone’ where time stands still. Most of the time, however, we just try our best to make do with what we have.

This is particularly true when we create new paths. We have not the privilege of wisdom borne of experience – of mistakes made and lessons learned. It is often precisely because we know no better that we manage to start what our predecessors stopped short of doing. A bit of foolishness and risk-taking is required of a pioneer. This sits very uneasily in the heart of a person who strives for excellence.

Instead, to take flight, we must stretch our wings and totter on unsteady feet; to break new ground, we must be willing to make mistakes. If we are fortunate, we are strengthened by the wisdom of mentors, the love of friends, the solidarity of like-minded colleagues, and the deep stirring that comes with clarity of vision.

Busyness and Burdens, Grace and Friends

My last post was in June, and so much has happened since then. It is not an understatement to say that this has been the most significant time of my life… for one, I got married! And this has changed my life in beautiful ways.

There have been so many moments in the past five months, where I have wanted to pause, quieten my heart and mind, and write down my thoughts. There is a certain restlessness in me, an underlying anxiety, that only calms down through deep reflection. Writing is one of the very few ways, perhaps the only way, I achieve this level of meditation.

Writing is a luxury for me, as is painting and music. I am so starved of these. Yet, strangely, I admit that it is I who deny myself these pleasures. I am my own boss, and I have been a tyrant with myself. I have given myself over to people, to tasks, to paperwork, to unceasing demands, to busy-ness, to underachieved goals, to unfulfilled ambitions, to worries about how things can go wrong, and anxieties about what need accomplishing.

For months, I have been inundated with tasks that need to be done. I have often felt overwhelmed. I struggle to keep abreast of the urgent, I have not had time to deal with anything else. I steal moments of time to be by myself, to be with my husband. We take walks together, we talk, and have meals. But most of the time, especially in the last two weeks, I have been struggling to breath; I wake up with my stomach in knots, trying to figure out how to cope. I feel I can barely make it through the day; I talk in my sleep, arguing with others in vivid dreams.

But at my most desperate moments, I have also found that I have had just enough grace to continue. Barely enough, sometimes. When I have cried out to God for help, tears rolling down my eyes, I have found strength through unexpectedly kind words and virtual hugs. There have been rays of light shining through bleakness.

It is an uncomfortable location – being out there, in need of help; being out there, in need of an extra pair of hands and of words of comfort.

My wedding would not have taken place if not for amazing family and friends who stepped in to do the million tasks that needed to be done; a major conference I am organising would not be possible if like-minded people didn’t volunteer to help, didn’t take on tasks beyond my limits to accomplish.

I am not an army, although I wish I was, I have only a pair of hands and feet. And this leaves me, unsettlingly, in need of others.

Being in need is uncomfortable and embarrassing. You ask for things awkwardly, afraid that people will say no, knowing you have nothing by which to compel them to act for you. You put yourself in debt to them, accumulating favours that you are keen to repay as quickly as possible so things remain ‘even’.

I am much more used to giving – it is a far stronger position of power than receiving.

Being in need, however, teaches me humility and gratitude. It shows me that I am dependent on others, a truth I am only able to accept grudgingly, half-willingly.

Being in need teaches me to value true generosity. When you are in need, you can smell bad intentions a mile a way. You know those who are ‘working’ you, trying to get something out of you by being ‘nice’. You spot, easily, those who give you something only to get something from you in return. They put you in debt so that you are bound to them. That kind of help I would rather refuse.

Being in need shows me the stark contrast between those who are dependable, and those who are not; those who are faithful, and those who are not. The book of Proverbs says “Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble” (25:19).

Paul wrote that we are to ‘(b)ear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ’ (Galatians 6:2).

It is through bearing the burdens of others, that we show love. It is through having our burdens carried by others, that we receive love.

Of Heroes and Heroism

There has been a lot of talk of late about ‘heroes’. It has been a like a whirlwind occurring around me, and changes in weather always make you reconsider if what you are wearing is sufficient and suitable for what will follow.

For the longest time, I have held three truths to be true.

Firstly, there are many around me whose work with migrant and refugees I admire tremendously – they inspire and encourage me. They have taken cases to court for labour disputes, defended refugees for immigration offenses, given of their time and money to help the marginalised, remained steadfast through difficulties, made personal sacrifices, and done their best through challenging circumstances. Most of their work is done without public display; it is done because their hearts are moved by those who suffer. They see needs and they respond. They try their best to overcome their fears; they learn as quickly as they can as they move through uncharted territory. Their work, I believe, triumphs any day over mine.

Secondly, when we see suffering, it is incumbent upon us to do what we can. The truth is that most of us who work with migrants and refugees can walk away at any time, but the migrants and refugees themselves can’t walk away from their own lives. We can put them aside from our minds, create distance, and get back to our own concerns. But if the reasons for their vulnerability do not change; if the underlying causes of their suffering remain unaddressed, then others will go through what they have suffered unnecessarily. We know that we have limited resources, limited knowledge, and limited influence. This is not an excuse; it is a challenge we need to overcome. It will take time, patience, courage, and tenacity. We have two choices – to walk away, or to do whatever we can. We each choose our own way, one step at a time.

Thirdly, for change to happen, all of us need to do an ordinary little bit. The word “hero” is grandiose, and relegates achievements to a ‘chosen’ few with ’special powers’ – Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Achilles, Hector, Spiderman. What this world really needs is more ordinary people doing ordinary things, at the right time and with the right heart – saying a word of encouragement, giving a hug, volunteering time and resources, bringing integrity to work, loving friends and family more excellently… these are what makes a real difference. And the true heroes are those who do these consistently, with sacrifice and without recognition.

All of us are heroes; and all of us are surrounded by heroes.

This is the beauty of life, and it is in the ordinary.

Diary of a Sociology Student: Finding Your Way

In my last blog post, a reflection on postgraduate life, I expressed surprise at the pain involved in intellectual work. It is indeed difficult, arduous, and uncertain. I found it hard to accept this truth, because I had been seeing the act of reading and writing as liberating – as mental escapes from the demanding pace of activism. I was wrong. Intellectual work is hard work (particularly as a neo-classical sociologist in an age of technology after the cultural and linguistic turn).

There is a ’switch’ that is required for any activist – any person, really – in resuming postgraduate research. This is particularly acute for ‘mature’ students working on Phd theses. If we aren’t aware of this, we spend a lot of time feeling lost, lonely and inept. To understand the need for this ’switch’, we need to examine the nature of the main tasks a postgraduate student undertakes so that we know how to find our way.

Firstly, postgraduate students study. This is where they begin on their journey as seekers of knowledge, and this is a task that has no end. Studying is an act of reaching for the infinite. You can keep on studying and there will always be more books to read, more debates to hear, more ideas to digest, and more arguments to examine. Studying is not as constrained as actions in the ‘real world’; they are not as limited by time, people, decisions and rules of appropriate behaviour. You can always keep reading; you can always keep restructuring your work.

Secondly, postgraduate students work with ideas. These are not just the ideas of their contemporaries or of the teachers they have met face-to-face – they deal with ideas from the past, from people they don’t know, places they have never been, and translated from languages they don’t understand. There are some limits to the circulation of ideas (the state for example, may ban books, or teachers may tell you that certain ideas are a waste of time) but postgraduate students, particularly the resourceful ones, are able to transgress these limits.

Postgraduate life, therefore, often feels like free-falling in slow motion. It feels like diving in a deep ocean without a reef wall by your side or the sandy bed below you. You know you are going downwards, but you don’t know how fast and how long the journey will take. You lose a sense of perspective. You can’t measure your depth, height, or physical orientation. You panic, looking for signs of the sunlit surface where you once were. You glance around desperately for your (hopefully more experienced) ‘buddy’, wanting to be reassured and guided back to normalcy.

It is in these times that we are most vulnerable. We are anxious and uncertain of ourselves, wondering if we know anything at all. Our confidence crashes when we receive criticism. Our faith in our selves vanish. The slightest intellectual criticism makes us feel like idiots. Some of us cling to our supervisors, hoping for answers. Some of us cling to theorists, hoping for inspiration. We follow paths set down by these authorities, rather than trusting our own instincts; we surrender to their advice, trusting their intellectual judgments, not our own. Some of us just escape – most of us momentarily, through fantasy, fiction, or continued procrastination, but some of us forever, giving up on our Phds altogether.

How do we find our way?

First, I believe that all of us have our own ’secret questions’. In order to navigate ourselves out of confusion, we need to find out (or rediscover) what these ’secret questions’ are. I call them ’secret’ because they often lurk in our subconscious, just below our awareness. We may once have been able to articulate them specifically, but they are now hidden to us – forgotten, buried, or discarded as our work evolved.

In order to find these secret questions, we need to search our hearts, minds and souls. We may have to bring ourselves back to the first time we took a step in the direction of our postgraduate research. We may have to sift through our memories to remember what problems troubled us, what theories quickened our hearts, what findings blew our minds. This personal excavation is necessary because many of us have forgotten the original reasons why we embarked on this long journey; why we chose this particular topic for research. Many of us have been side-tracked along the way – sometimes by (well-meaning) supervisors and colleagues who told us to follow other paths rather than the ones we set out initially. These ’secret questions’ become the invisible ropes that guide our research; they produce a restlessness in us that keeps us drawn to particular themes. Swerving away from them, or cutting them out of our work, makes us lose our motivation.

Secondly, we need to recognise that research, by definition, is exploratory. Some of us may have the supernatural ability to predict all possible outcomes, but most of us are likely to stumble and fall. We will take wrong turns, which we need to correct; we will face stumbling blocks, which we need to overcome. We will walk down alleys only to find dead-ends; we will try new paths that lead nowhere. There will be visas we can’t get, supervisors we can’t win over, and difficulties in getting good data. This is a fact in postgraduate life. Therefore, we need to build in extra time and resources for our work – to give ourselves time for being lost. We need to learn how to manage our anxiety and to pace ourselves. We need to learn how to bounce back from setbacks and develop realistic perspectives. We need to learn how to wait and how to relax. We need to let ourselves be ordinary human beings exploring new territory rather than expecting ourselves to be seasoned superheroes.

Thirdly, we need to listen to our own instincts and, with humility, keep an open mind. It is arrogant to think we are right all the time, and that we know everything there is to know. Rather than getting flummoxed by unexpected data, we need to make sure that our mental frameworks are flexible so that we can incorporate new information. We can only produce meaningful research if we are intellectually humble and willing to learn from anyone. This is particularly important for social scientists who work with marginalised, disempowered, or vulnerable people. If we discount their views, if we don’t take time to listen, we only reinscribe existing power-relations uncritically.

As time goes on, as we continue to read and learn, we realise that the terrain becomes more familiar. We start to see major landmarks; we begin to recognise themes and patterns. We start separating ‘normal’ facts from extraordinary ones. We learn skills in interpretation – in recognising significance and meaning. It often takes substantial ‘investment’ before we see payoffs in understanding.

A member of my faculty once told me that it isn’t intelligence or brilliance that is crucial for completing a Phd – it is sheer doggedness and hard work. We will face challenges, we will get confused, we will lose our way. But we also find inspiration; and on good days, we run lithe and smooth, like athletes.

If we persevere, we will find our way.

Diary of a Sociology Student: Why does everything seem so hard?

Returning to postgraduate studies has been difficult. I have been on leave from my thesis for about a year and a half. As I try to think and write with academic rigour, I feel like I am trying to wade through molasses. Why am I not running lithe and smooth, like an athlete? Why do I struggle so hard with words, fiddling clumsily with ill-fitting concepts? What can’t I just remember what I read, for goodness sake?

It is such a change of pace, locking myself away in order to focus on my studies. I miss action. I miss meeting migrants and refugees. I miss attending meetings and learning from fellow activists. I miss the sense of community we have developed through our shared passions. It is a dual change of pace – a deliberate quietening of my body, forcing it to stay still, and a purposeful revving up of my mind, forcing it to read, think, and process information quickly.

Returning to studying is harder than it seems, because I think (automatically) that I am older and wiser than I was when I last put my pen away. I find in fact, that I am unable to do what I did before and need time to develop analytical competences again. I am ashamed of this; I feel like I have regressed in my abilities rather than strengthening them along the way.

Returning is also harder because I have been considered a civil society ‘expert’ on migration in the time that I have been away – being a student again is humbling. At yet, you cannot learn if you think you know everything. The more you read and write, the more aware you are of your ignorance. This is the greatest irony in scholarship.

As I remember some of the ‘great scholars’ I have met over the past few years, I realise that they have some characteristics in common. First of all, they are curious. They are interested in many topics, they ask lots of questions, and they pay attention when people speak. They also demonstrate intellectual humility. They tell you how hard it was for them to write their books and papers (now well regarded); they tell you of the mistakes they made in their analysis. The older ones, nearing retirement, are surprisingly patient and generous. They answer the straightforward questions of a novice without arrogance. They encourage young students to take up the mantle of scholarship. They have a sense of legacy.

Being a student again is difficult. We make it easier for ourselves when we accept this fact. We need to allow ourselves time and space to ‘grow’ into our roles as scholars again. We need to redevelop our intellectual capacities, practice our information processing skills, and read up on current literature, rapidly proliferating. This takes time. We need to give ourselves a chance to catch up.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”

Thirst
Mary Oliver

Being Ordinary

We live in a world that exalts performance. We reward the best, the fastest, the smartest, the most talented. We give prizes for the first, second and third places. Any competitor knows that anything below these is meaningless, worthy only of a token of ‘consolation’. We admire those who make it to the top. So, we too, clamber upwards, trying to be the best so that we are admired.

Most of us are not the best in our everyday lives. We are ordinary most of the time. We live with what we have, finishing each day, each cycle, one at a time. We often see ourselves beside others who are quicker, sharper, wittier. It makes us feel dumpy and slow. We think to ourselves – ‘I could never do what she does’. ‘If only I had the gifts he has’. ‘She is so much more than I’.

These comparisons are odious; they make us feel smaller. So, we put away our tools, before we make laughable mistakes. We keep our hands down, before volunteering for something we may do badly. We keep our wings away, thinking we are not worthy of flight. We stay in safe territory, scratching away in small spaces with our eyes cast down.

And we do worse. We mock at those who are weak. We focus on their mistakes, wiggling away at their faults. We criticize, looking for errors, laughing at stupidity. And when those on top fall, we take secret delight. We are fascinated when they turn to alcoholism, lose all their money, have marital problems, or become fat. We are secretly relieved because their failures make them ordinary… as ordinary as us.

We need to break out of this way of thinking. We need to remember that society is built upon errors and lessons. We don’t see this, because we only mark paths of success – we forget the dead ends and closed doors faced by those who found their way eventually. Society is also about ordinary people in ordinary lives- some becoming more vulnerable as they are caught in power games. We can try our best to make things better, or we can just sit in the seat of scoffers, watching from a comfortable distance.

If we choose to act, we have to accept that we will not be the best at what we do most of the time. There are always quicker minds, stronger bodies, and hands more talented around us. Others can write better, talk faster, and look sharper. This does not negate the necessity of our action. The needs in the world are often greater that the efforts made to meet them. And those at the coalface are often desperate for support and company.

Our ordinary lives can make a difference. The keys to this are grace and dependence on God.

We need to be gracious to ourselves, accepting our own weaknesses. If we fall, we need to pick ourselves up, and put our shoulders to the plough once again. We need to let ourselves fail, so that we allow ourselves to stretch our wings. When we do so, we remember that we have strengths, unique positions of influence, and special abilities that no one else has. No one can replicate what we can do in society.

We need to be gracious to others. We need to be kind to those weaker than ourselves, encouraging them along their way. It does not help if we preen ourselves, showing off our best features. We can help if we are patient and humble; if we show others our mistakes so that they learn from them and exceed our achievements. When our competitors and adversaries fall, it may mean extending a helping hand, shutting up, and giving them space to recover.

We may see nothing of ourselves, but God sees us differently.

Moses, when he was called said, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

The Lord replied: “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

Gideon, when he was called said, “But Lord, how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

The LORD answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together.”

The truth is that Moses and Gideon were ordinary.
The truth is that we are ordinary.
But with grace and guidance from God, there is great power in the ordinary.